Who Am I Today?

I've been pondering all the changes I have gone through to get where I am and to be who I am today. Some events could be remembered with fear, frustration or just a bone-chilling shudder. Anger and resentment could be part of all this, but I have been trying very hard to shed those sort of thoughts and concentrate on the lessons I learned from my past.

I honestly, in my heart, have to thank those mean girls at school that took my books and homework in 5th Grade, the person that stole my 1st ever baseball glove, the boy friend in high school that showed me what cheating was all about. A roommate that left me with the rent to pay....etc. Do any of these sound familiar to anyone else?

I could go on about my 1st marriage and divorce, but that is a story for another blog.

What have I done with these experiences? A few I have forgotten-maybe-they are too painful. There are many that I have chosen to accept as a gift of knowledge. That old saying, "Remember and learn from the past (history) or you will be doomed to repeat it."

I could be angry, many have told me I have the right to, but where would I be and what would I be inside?

I used to be shy in school. My report cards would read A's & B's with the added note of: "Wendy is a delight in class, helpful but very shy." Or, "Too quiet, but very sweet." My first year in college I received a "D" in Speech class. I would get so nervous that my voice would just disappear.

It took me many years to discover that I had to care for and love myself first before I could do anything else for anyone else. I learned that if I tried to please everyone, no one was happy. Especially me. I had the help of a kind counselor, some temporary medications and prayer. Guidance from Pastor Moe at my present church and the support of my church family showed me the value of ME.

My four years at Paradise Bakery helped me really emerge from my shell of insecurity that was building around me during my marriage. I believed the things I was being told as reality. I had become the frog in the pot of water. My spirit slowly cooked with falsehoods and diluted into a murkiness of depression. Gradually, with guidance from exceptional mentors I blossomed into a great trainer and exceptional customer service advocate. I take great pleasure in providing a memorable experience for someone-a church member at a potluck, a neighbor at a picnic, a friend in need, a charity or an organization. There are so many opportunities to give to get these days. Give of myself to get a smile.

So, today I am a woman with many talents and experiences that I can draw upon for different situations. I take my hits and misses equally as fodder for building better relationships in the future. Would I do anything different? I do not believe so. For any regrets that I have for any lost opportunities, it would be difficult to imagine where else I would be.

I am here now because of my choices. I am who I am because of my choices. And I am happy with myself.

I am me.

Stopping My Blogging Fears

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” – Elbert Hubbard

Okay. Whew. That wasn't so bad...I got past the first words to write on my blog. So they are not my words, but a quote-they gave me the courage to type what I am thinking and feeling NOW. Sometimes, one needs someone else to go first.

I admit, I have been procrastinating-out of fear. Fear of ridicule, indifference, isolation, bad grammar, self reflection, self criticism and success. Yes, success-a traumatic reoccourance in my childhood. You see, I was the last child, much later than my 3 siblings. Twenty-three to seventeen years later. I had Mom to myself after Dad passed from a stroke in '62. I was 17 months old. My siblings were out of the house, married and one had 2 kids of her own. I think Mom had time to spend on me and that bit of extra attention encouraged me to express my creativity. I drew and painted and enjoyed it at elementary school in a suburban town just East of Los Angeles.

Then came the statements, "Wow, that is fantastic, you are so artistic! It's wonderful...blah, blah blah." By the time I muddled my thoughts through the blah-blahs of my sister, all I could think of was, "Oh, great. Now I have to come up with something better for next time."

Yup, way back then was when the pressure started. And that pressure lead me to NOT even start things. I labeled myself as a procrastinator and used it as a handy-dandy, all inclusive excuse for not finishing things. Recently, I was told by a very smart lady that I am a DOER. I just had not believed it all this time. I am not too old to learn and change.

Lately, I have become fascinated by the world of Social Media and have been Facebooking and Twittering. I have gathered genuine followers and have real friends on FB-not just Zanga invites. I have found inspiration on line, in books and in my dreams-usually after reading some of those books.

So today is the day that I kick started my writing. I had to. There is so much in my brain, that I speak it and edit it faster than I can remember to write it down. (Maybe I need a tape recorder...)

I want to thank Elbert Hubbard, posthumously (1856-1915) for his words of encouragement, @problogger, @CoachDeb, @WarrenWhitlock and @writingspirit on Twitter for their positive reinforcing posts, books and direct messages. It all came together today when I read the quote and realized that making a mistake is still moving foreward. And I found the quote here on mlmdreamsaver.com I searched 'blogging mistakes and fears' and found great relief within Vicki Berry's blog.

Even though this sounds like an acceptance speech at an awards show, it's more of making the opportunity to give gratitude. I have been struggling with what all to share here, but I think I will let all these words soak into the internet, Twitterverse, cyberspace, mind spaces and SEO word races.

I believe I will continue blogging. This has been like getting on one of those really scary-big, super fast roller coasters after ditching the line a few times and then getting on with the encouragement of friends. Not as scary as I thought, although my stomach is still a bit queasy. Anyone have any Tums?

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She thinks: After reading what I just wrote I'm thinking, that wasn't too bad, I made it quick and virtually painless. Reminds me of another less famous and less serious quote: "Off like a Band-Aid." That one I attribute to Dennis Tietz at Paradise Bakery.